The Pawns, The Spies, And The Idiot
by GrandpaJoeProductionFanfiction
Summary: A three-part short story that takes place in between the "A Childhood To Remember" chapters "The Last Straw" and "The Great Escape." While on a trip to Moscow, Russia to see the Russian President, President Ronald Thump meets with his Hungarian counterpart, possibly the next President of France, and the two men who made his election victory possible.
1. The Idiot Speaks

Three months after becoming president, Ronald Thump and his Secretary of Defense, Attorney General, and a select few of his advisors accompanied him to an important meeting in Moscow, Russia. There he would meet with Russian president Vasily Patrushev and Hungarian Prime Minister János Csupó. The meeting had been publicized as an effort to strengthen ties with like-minded countries, but everybody who did not support Thump knew why he went on the trip. Thump traveled to Moscow to be Patrushev's, as the comedian Stephen Colbert who was living in exile in Canada said, cockholster.

With Kabadaian to his right, Angelica to his left, and a posy of advisors right behind them, Thump passed through the doors opened by the two Kremlin Regiment guards standing across from each other. The two Kremlin Regiment guards, dressed in their dark green uniforms with tall dark boots and a black and gold Shako cap, held a SKS rifle in one hand and saluted the visiting president with the other. Thump slowed down to observe the two guards saluting him, but instead of saluting them back he gave them one of his signature looks; he shut his eyes and plumped up all of the loose skin in the lower part of his head around his mouth, creating the illusion of having fuller lips, and nodded at the guards.

The Thump delegation passed from the gold-plated hallways of the Kremlin to a room painted in an off-white color with white columns, gold curtains, and a wooden floor with various star patterns. In the center of the room stood a long table with nine chairs surrounding it. A man sat in the chair to the left of the main chair, that man was the Hungarian Prime Minister János Csupó. Thump took the seat across from his counterpart and proceeded to start up a conversation with him. He called up the Deputy Assistant to the President Edgar Szarka, a British man of Hungarian descent with connections to Neo-Nazi organizations in Hungary, to translate for him.

"Prime Minister Ka-supo, it's great to be here. You must have made a fortune selling that musical instrument you created. You're always finding cheap little plastic ones in cereal boxes, that's a great deal you've made with the cereal companies, fantastic," Thump said in his usual disorganized and uninformed matter, he even mispronounced the Prime Minister's name.

Csupó, a dark haired man in his early fifties, chuckled a bit before responding in a Hungarian accent, "Actually mister president, a few things, one, I do speak English. Second, I am not sure what instrument you are referring to; I have never invented such a product. And lastly, Csupó is pronounced Choo-poh."

"That's what I said," Thump replied, denying the fact that he had mispronounced Csupó's name even though he had just mispronounced it less than a minute.

Csupó just stared down Thump, he had finally witnessed Thump deny something that he had clearly said. He knew from watching interviews from the campaign and the rare interviews he gave with foreign news agencies that were critical of him that if you proved Thump wrong instead of admitting that he made a mistake he would simply blame someone else, say he said the truth from the beginning, or just deny the truth. Like Thump, he received help from Russia and aligned himself ideologically with Patrushev. He silenced opposition groups and the free press, returning Hungary to a state much more similar to the old Hungarian People's Republic than the ideals set out for the European Union. Csupó had even built a barrier on his nation's border with Serbia and Croatia to keep refugees out of Hungary, similar to what Thump was doing with the Thump Freedom Wall on the southern border. The two men did not speak for about two minutes after Thump denied mispronouncing Csupó's name, but that came to an end when the summit's guest of honor entered the room. Thump turned his head towards the doorway when Csupó informed him that the presidential candidate for France's _Front National_ party had arrived.


	2. The French Succession?

Coco La Bouche, a redheaded woman in her mid-sixties, entered the room with her longtime assistant and confidant Jean-Claude Bern. Coco had served as a Vice President of Operations for the _Reptar Corporation_. She oversaw European field operations from the mid-eighties to late 1991 when she was fired by Makoto Yamaguchi, the then President of _Yamaguchi Industries_ , Reptar _Corporation_ 's holding company. After being devastated over being fired from her executive job and losing the opportunity to head the entire corporation to Yamaguchi's most trusted advisor, Seiichiro Hasagawa, she and Jean-Claude took whatever work they could find.

One such job was as amusement parks attendants at _Euroreptarland_ , the very same park she oversaw. Both of them quit that job soon after and found work at one of _Parfum de P.U._ 's cosmetics labs. For the next few years they toiled away doing menial jobs, but it all came to an end after Coco fainted at work after Jean-Claude informed her that time had come to test the new foot powders. It was in this blackout that Coco realized her executive skills couldn't be wasted, politics was her new calling. The next day Coco and Jean-Claude quit their jobs yet again and embarked on the next part of their lives.

Over the years, she rose the ranks in France's political scene. Coco used her anger and dominating personality to give fiery speeches that captivated millions of her fellow countrymen. She railed against the establishment and globalization, Japanese corporations in particular, striking back at the man who fired her. During her various campaigns she promised to kick out all Japanese corporations from the country and replace them with French ones. She didn't have that much luck in the beginning but all of that changed in November of 2016 when Ronald Thump won the presidency of the United States. Coco reasoned that if Thump, a businessman, could become president, what was stopping her from doing the same.

There was a presidential election scheduled for the next year and she decided to run again. She used many of the talking points Thump used and that got her to second place in the first round of voting. The second round was scheduled for Sunday, May 7th and she would face off with the first round's first place winner, the _En Marche_ party's candidate Jean-Claude DuMonde. DuMonde was a twenty-nine year old lawyer who had moved to California with his mother, Jacqueline, when he was three because his mother's work relocated them. He received an education in the United States and returned to France after he was done with school. The polls said the race was going to be close but that the young DuMonde would win. Coco reasoned that the polls were unreliable because that was the same thing they said about Secretary Rogers in the American election. She planned to increase the number of campaign stops she would make before she came into contact with two Russian agents that claimed they could help her win. These two agents just so happened to enter the room after she and Jean-Claude sat down next to Prime Minister Csupó.


	3. The Russians With Their Monkeys

Two men, Igor Kovalyov and Serge Vitayev, better known as the Banana Brothers, came in through the same doorway the previous summit attendees passed through. The two men had known each other since they met in Moscow back in the seventies. They were from different parts of the country, Igor was from Kiev and Serge was from Saint Petersburg, then named Leningrad, but the one thing they shared was entrepreneurial spirit. Unfortunately, the Soviet Union under Leonid Brezhnev did not let them fulfill the dream of starting their own business. Luckily, the restrictions came to an end when Mikhail Gorbachev initiated Perestroika, allowing the two men the start their own business. They both had an interest with animals, especially monkeys, since they met while working at the Moscow Zoo. The two gathered all the money they had and Serge used his connections at the zoo to organize a shipment of five monkeys from across Africa. After about a year of training, Igor and Serge organized the first Banana Brothers show in 1988. The two struck a chord in the angst-written people of the Soviet Union and rose to popularity.

Once three years and more monkeys passed, the Banana Brothers rose to become the most popular circus in the Soviet Union. They became so popular that in the summer of 1991 they had an American tour. For the rest of the year they toured the United States with their monkeys and performed in dozens of cities. It was in the US that they learned of the failed Soviet coup d'état. This shook the Banana Brothers to their core fearing that instability back home would put their shows to an end. To make matters worse, roughly a month later as they were on their way to a show in Los Angeles, the pair got into trouble. When the Banana Brothers stopped for a coffee break the monkeys took control of the train they were using for their tour and derailed it. It took the police a couple of days to track down their monkeys, but by the time they were found they had already missed several of their shows in LA. When the tour came to an end the Banana Brothers ended up with less than what they were originally promised since they had to pay for the rented train the monkeys wrecked.

By the time the Banana Brothers finished their American tour, the Soviet Union dissolved and the pair returned to their new home, the Russian Federation. The Banana Brothers has some success in the following years, they even had a European tour, but the business took a hit in the late 1990's. Less and less Russians were attending their shows and many more Americans and Europeans boycotted their shows after allegations of animal abuse. Even though Igor and Serge deeply cared for their monkeys, the fact that other circuses had their own animal abuse scandals rubbed off on them. By 2001 the Banana Brothers were in serious debt and on the verge a declaring bankruptcy, but that stopped when they were informed by a mysterious man that there was a man interested in giving them work. The mysterious man gave the Banana Brothers an address and told them to be there at three in the afternoon the next day. They agreed to go out of a combination of the need of income and the fear of retaliation from the mysterious man and his associates.

The next day the Banana Brothers arrived at an abandoned warehouse in the outskirts of Moscow. At first, the only one there was the mysterious man who they met the previous day. It turned out that the mysterious man was an agent of the FSB, the successor of the infamous KGB. After he checked the Banana Brothers for weapons and they came out clean he called his partners to come out of the shadows. Three tall FSB agents came out first, and then a shorter blond haired man followed. Standing at 170 meters, or five feet and seven inches tall, the Russian president, Vasily Patrushev, made his presence known and proposed an offer that would bring the Banana Brothers out of their terrible situation. The Russian government would pay them in exchange for helping them interfere with elections around the world. Seeing that they had no other option, and the fact that they were in a dark room with several armed men, the Banana Brothers agreed to work as secret agents.

The two men got next to Thump to shake his hand, and Serge said, "Mister Thump, it is a pleasure."

"Oh, Igor, Serge, fantastic, I'd like to say thank you for your good work," Thump replied.

Igor took the seat next to Angelica while Serge took the seat across from his partner and next to Jean-Claude as Thump continued to speak.

"Coco, you'll absolutely love these two. They went around the country on Election Day made up many of the votes that Crooked Wendy faked," Thump said, demonstrating that he believed Secretary Rogers had attempted to rig the election.

Serge replied as he told a story from Election Day, "Yes, President Thump is correct. Igor and I split up and traveled across the states of Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania on Election Day, changing the votes in various polling places."

Thump stopped Serge and exclaimed, "Wrong, Serge! You were adjusting the votes to account for all of the illegal votes casted for Crooked Wendy."

Serge continued with his story as he said, "Of course, I remember I had a unique adventure in a small town near Detroit involving a platinum blond haired boy and his Déti Festiválja friend."

Serge stopped to explain the definition of Déti Festiválja, it is a phase used in the fifties and sixties to describe Africans born in Russia, and continued, "Anyways I stopped in a town called Royal Woods to 'adjust' the votes, but this town's polling station only had one entrance. I needed a diversion to distract the officials, luckily I saw the two boys walking down the street at that point. I gave them one hundred dollars each in order to create a distraction. The platinum haired boy began to punch the Déti Festiválja boy and the latter began to cry. His cries caught the attention of all of the voters and volunteers, and when they rushed over to stop the fight I made my way into the polling station. I made my way over to the electronic voting machines and plugged in my equipment to change the number of votes Mister Thump received. I made my way out of the polling station as the police had separated the boys and made my way for the next polling station. It wasn't until two weeks later when we were back in Moscow that we found out Thump had officially been declared the winner in Michigan."

"See, Coco, they'll do a good job. We beat the corrupt system that was set up against me from the beginning, believe me. The establishment wanted Crooked Wendy to win, but the American people wanted me. Crooked Wendy had millions of illegal votes casted across the country, but Igor and Serge fixed this. Don't listen to fake news who said I lost the popular vote, they're counting all of the illegal votes, not good!" Thump ranted.

Thump continued ranting about anything that came into his mind, he even began to reveal state secrets when he said, "Listen, I was the first one to say we needed to change, bigly. I have guys who are changing the way we launch nukes right now. Josh Alcroft and his team are making it so that if something happens to us three, something that by the way will never happen, someone else on the other side of the country can respond. It's a fantastic idea, everyone loves it because I came up with it, believe me."

If it were up to him, Thump would have prefered to have won the popular vote. He never wanted to be president; he just wanted to be called "President." He seriously thought that his opponent, Secretary Rogers, had hired millions of people to vote more than once and he silenced anyone who told him otherwise. Coco was pleased with the work of the Banana Brothers, but before they could discuss what they were going to do to ensure her victory, a Kremlin Regiment guard came into the room and announced the arrival of the Russian president. Patrushev walked into the room and observed all of his puppets; his two secret agents, the Banana Brothers, his Eastern European pawn, János Csupó, his American idiot, Ronald Thump, and his next asset, Coco La Bouche. He sat down in the main chair and began to discuss his plans with his guests as soon as the guards closed the door to the room.

Coco La Bouche ended up losing the race to Jean-Claude DuMonde by almost two to one. She won 33.9% of the vote while DuMonde won 66.1% of the vote. French authorities were tipped off to efforts by Russia to interfere with their elections after reviewing one of the many mind-boggling tweets of President Ronald Thump. After the meeting, Thump took a picture with the Banana Brothers and posted it to _Twitter_ with the tagline "Met with Banana Brothers, terrific guys! Made my victory against Crooked Wendy possible. Will make Coco La Bouche president too! #MakingAmericaTerrificAgain #LaBouche2017." As soon as they got off the plane in Paris and preparing to separate like they did during their mission in the United States, the French authorities arrested them. After getting a confession out of them, France alerted the other European countries of what Russia was up too and it was all thanks to Thump's need to brag about everything online.


End file.
